I wish I could change things. I wish I could go back to December and slap some sense into myself. I broke one of my own main rules. I actually fell for someone. I actually really, really liked him. Which grew into loving him. These past 5 months have been extremely amazing and extremely horrible at the exact same time.
I started drinking again when I started seeing him. Which I can’t totally blame on him… I probably wouldn’t have relapsed regardless and it could have been way worse. I ended up spending a night in jail which could have been a lot worse…. But he also was supportive and has helped me quit drinking & remain sober from alcohol.
But some times I wonder what life would have been life if I would never of gone on that first date with him. Maybe I wouldn’t be on probation. Maybe I’d still have been sober & not gotten anymore charges. But maybe things could have been worse, I could have spiraled totally out of control.
I can almost 100% guarantee that I wouldn’t be in the situation I am in now. Maybe its what’s meant to be. Maybe this will bring new meaning to my life. I know very few people actually know what’s going on in my life right now, but its scary. I was scared when things were still good with him, but now that I’m alone I’m terrified.
These past 2 weeks have been insane. But the fact is I made it through them. I guess I can make it another 2 weeks…. Hopefully I will find strength thru this situation. Hopefully I will find support in others that he longer is willing to offer me.
For a long time I thought I was immune to love. And I was also such a horrible and manipulative person that I had told guys that I loved them when i knew for a fact I didn’t mean it.
For example after the things happened with Dan and Mark found out, it was my instinct to tell Mark that I was sooo in love with him, so I did. And it did prolong things with him. Yeah, I know I’m a bitch. But at the time I kinda half believed that I did actually love him.
Anyways, so it’s not the actual act of telling someone that I love them. I could tell everyone I loved them & be fine. It’s when I actually mean it. Just thinking about it makes me nervous. I am not good at being vulnerable. I mean I don’t expect him to say it back just because I do, I’d rather have him say it when he really feels and when its right for him. So its not like I’m worried about him not saying it back.
I guess I’m kinda scared of just making a fool of myself. And it just scares me because since its been so long this is like a new feeling. I guess I just need to not rush it.
I think it was Tues last week when I wanted to tell him I loved him. I chickened out over the phone. But I ended up sending him some kind of text about it and he came over right after. We never actually talked about it again, i think just cause we’re both terrified.
He’s going to come over tomorrow after I get off of work. And I think i want to tell him. I mean I am not going to put a whole bunch of pressure on myself about HAVING to do it tomorrow. I want to say it when I really feel it. There have already been a couple times that would have been perfect but I was too scared. And I know there will be another chance where things are amazing and it’d be perfect to say it to him. The next time the moment comes up I’m gonna be ready to do it.
What’s the worst that could happen? There’s nothing. I know he cares deeply for me & would never hurt me.
Okay, I really gotta sleep. Work in a lil over 4 hours
Well, this past week & a half Jordan and I have been constantly together. He’s spent every night here with me. Tonight he actually is spending the night at his place. I was really looking forward to having a night just by myself because I am kind of a loner. But I really missed him. When I was cleaning I found one of his sweatshirts and I have totally been wearing it since then. I’m pathetic!
Its really pathetic. Once I got home from work tonight we talked on the phone for like an hour and then have been texting since. I’m glad that he misses me too :) He went to sleep an hour ago so now I’m all bored :(
Jordan is truly amazing. I love spending time with him. And its crazy but I never even got annoyed or sick of him ALWAYS being here. And that says a lot! Pretty much everyone annoys me after a certain point and that be way sooner than a week and a half. I just thoroughly enjoy him.
If I believed in soul mates I’d totally say he would be mine. No I’m not saying that I think we’ll be together forever and all that bullshit. I just truly believe if there is such a thing as a soul mate he would have to be mine. This is something I haven’t experienced since I was with Andy. Who I’d also say would be one of my soul mates… Who says you can just have one? I mean there’s sooo many people! Everyone has gotta have more than one soul mate out there.
It terrifies me to have real feelings for someone. And it scares me even more because I know he genuinely likes me too. I’ve so carefully avoided this situation for years. I’ve been so anti-relationship since things ended with Andy in 2010. I think part of it was because I just didn’t wanna get hurt again. I was too scared to take that risk again. But for Jordan I am totally willing to take that risk.
I mean we aren’t technically “in a relationship”. The last time we talked about that was a little bit before Valentines day. It is kinda strange because he also is scared of having a “real” relationship…. So at the time we were both fine without that label and we even talked about how we pretty much were in a relationship we just weren’t going to bother with a silly little label.
A few days ago when I was at work I was thinking and got kinda upset thinking about that we weren’t technically “together”. But I realized I only thought that because some naive & dumb girl I work with thinks that he doesn’t care about me cause its not “official”. She thinks that you should be in a relationship RIGHT away when you first see someone. She’s dumb, but that’s a whole other thing. ha
Anyways, as I was thinking about everything with Jordan I realized that I don’t need some stupid label. Fuck labels! We’re not cans of soup! These past 3 months that we’ve been seeing each other have been incredible. We’ve been thru some pretty heavy shit. And I know he cares & I hope he knows I care about him too.
If the label thing ever bugs me again I just have to remind myself of some things of how amazing he is and how much he’s been there for me. And he’s always been accepting of my craziness & issues and has always been more than willing to help me in any way possible.
July 19th, 2012 3:58 AM
Okay, for some reason I haven’t been able to eat. for whatever reason I went to the gas station & thought it was a good idea to get some Pure 100% Grapefruit juice to get nutrients. I thought it made sense. I like ruby red SWEETENED grapefruit juice. This shit is disgusting. Such a nasty after taste. Not a very good idea.
Especially since even YUMMY things are seeming that great to me... Something already disgusting will be revolting. ugggh.
I’m Chugging it thoough.
For some reason I really think it will make it up for not eating… yeah.
Oh and by the way. I have this manic obsession that developed earlier while at work.
I keep listing to Fun “We are Young”
Do mo judge… I don’t choose my obsessions.
I’m especially obsessed with the parts……………
July 20th, 2012 2:41 AM
I close my eyes wishing I could blink away the pain I have caused myself and even worse the pain I have brought onto others. I can’t even feel remorse most of the time. I never understand why I’ve done what I’ve done… Or how I ended up this way. I just know I’m living on this intense roller coaster of intense Ecstasy and intense self-loathing. Nearly every day I pray to be normal again…. Then I remember, When was I ever normal?
I wrote this Summer 2010
Original URL —- http://bipolarbimbo.livejournal.com/2276.html
July 20th, 2012 11:47 PM
Last night I had a really weird dream. For some reason I was helping do some research or whatever on alligators. Extremely huge ones! And we were on this small boat. We would catch an alligator tie its mouth shut and its legs together. And I have no idea what we were doing. Somehow this REALLY big alligator was flailing around and ended up falling out of the boat. Its feet were still tied together so it couldn’t swim. It was struggling to get up out of the water so it could breeze… Obviously it died. For some reason the desperately upset me in the dream.
Seriously, WHAT the FUCK?
Original URL http://bipolarbimbo.livejournal.com/2546.html
Well, Mark had moved in Sept. He now lives like 2 hours away. Whatever “relationship” I had with him completely ended towards the end of October when he found out about how Dan had come to visit me & he saw all the text messages between Dan and I.
We still talked occasionally until like the beginning of December. And once I started hanging out with my new guy Mark & I completely stopped talking.
A few weeks ago I called him because I really wanted to apologize to him for everything. I was horrible to him. But he didn’t answer, which I don’t blame him. I fucked his best friend multiple times behind his back. Maybe some day I will try calling him again and he’ll answer because he is one of the big people that I need to make amends to as part of my recovery.
As for Dan he actually lives a little over 4 hours ago. I haven’t seen him since the day before Mark found out about me and him. And I haven’t talked to him since then. He’s engaged. And when Mark confronted him about it, mark was originally going to tell Dan’s fiance about it all. I was able to convince Mark not to tell her as long as Dan and I never talked or saw each other again. So I haven’t heard from Dan since that day. And it really doesn’t bug me what I had with him was purely sexual.
Anyways, it was just a messy situation. I realize now looking back on it, that I never wanted to be with Mark. He was just safe. I mean I did care about him, but I think it was only as a friend. I am a pretty horrible person. Anyways, mark & I had been seeing each other for like 4 months… And he started saying things about me moving with him. And other things making our relationship more “real”. I got scared and self-destructed. And I did a pretty fine job of ruining what we had.
Okay, I’ll shut up. ha
July 24th, 2012 12:14 AM
So New Guy has been working 12 hour shifts EVERY day. His supervisor is on vacation this week so he has to take on his shifts as well. He is under a great deal of stress and just constantly busy. I understand this. And I’ve gotten better at being more “normal”. But for whatever reason today I had a pretty much complete break from reality. Today marks 8 days of work in a row. And I’ve been sleep deprived and that I have not been eating properly. Its just been slowly coming on.
Anyways. Today I all of a sudden was so upset with him. And once I got off of work tonight I ended up furious at him… I don’t know why. So I had this impulsive idea to idea to that I wanted to damage his truck. I was obsessively focused on it. I even went to the store and bought shit so I could do it. I ended up in the parking lot of his apartment complex. Luckily its when I finally realized how much of a fucking idiot i was being.
But I still feeling like i was nut and driving him nuts. I sent him a text saying that I though it might be good if we just don’t talk until he gets back from his vacation. So I could just gain some perspective and I wouldn’t be so annoying to him. Because I have been having racing thoughts for days which ends in blowing up people’s phones with randomness. Mainly his. I totally meant it.
He texted me telling me that right now he was under a lot of pressure and constantly working that he honestly didn’t have time to talk as much. And that I wasn’t annoying him. He said he was reading all my texts, he just didn’t always get a chance to respond to every single one. He told me he wants to keep talking to me, just that right now he has a lot on his plate.
Which I do know is true. everyone can say all the negative shit about New Guy as you want, but he really has been very understanding with me. And he actually does want to help me. We’re not perfect, but he is really amazing to me.
I think the thing that most people have a hard time understanding is any relationship I am in (esp in the beginning) can’t really be compared to everyone else’s relationships. Esp when I am still actively cycling and I have irrational thoughts. And when you only hear my side of the story, which many times is distorted, you don’t really know whats really going on.
I know I will say horrible things about New Guy in the future. But he really has been pretty incredible to me. We’ve had our ups and downs as everyone does. But right now. we’re good.
And right now I have made it clear to him that are “just friends” but I am just taking that step back so we can build more stability, trust, and everything before we try to take more serious steps. I know we are probably going to end up fooling around or what not. And thats fine. But I just need to gain more stability myself before I can actively be hard of a healthy relationship. And he gets that.
Original URL http://bipolarbimbo.livejournal.com/2711.html
July 24th, 2012 12:34 AM
Yeah, not even a week ago I was campaigning on Twitter for everyone to post #FUCKmark b/c I was finally totally done with him…. Yes, mark is New Guy.
I’m irrational half of the time.
And I’m extremely impulsive.
I honestly don’t even remember what it was that upset me so much that night. But I was so positive I was done with him.
This is what it takes to be part of my life. Some little thing you say might set me off and I will go on a rampage if things get out of hand.
New Guy seriously is totally understanding when it comes to all of my craziness. And I think that’s why I have a really strong bond with him.
I don’t think he is going anywhere in my life. I might go nuts some nights, but then there are going to be nights where I am so in love with him.
The thing is I’m not “normal”. I don’t do “normal” relationships
Original URL —- http://bipolarbimbo.livejournal.com/2928.html
Total Side Note this is my guy’s bday :) But I didn’t even know him at this point.. lol
August 7th, 2012 2:14 AM
Well, Mark should be returning from his vacation any time now. I miss him insanely. Besides very brief encounters we have not actually hung out in about 3 weeks. I miss him so fucking much. I don’t even know what to really say. I honestly have no idea what’s going on between us. I have absolutely no reason to think that anything negative is going on, but I also fill like we have just been stuck in this lull since he’s been super busy working 12-13 hour shifts and then he left on vacation. We text. Well, mainly I text him and he responds eventually. I totally understand that he is busy. But I can’t stop these irrational thoughts.
I can’t stop thinking that he doesn’t care about me. That he hates me. That he never cared about me. That he used me. That I never mattered. That he’s just blowing me off. That I’m worthless.. That we’re over. That he doesn’t even want to be my friend. That he thinks I’m annoying. That he thinks I”m crazy. That he despises me. That he never, ever wants to see me again. Blah, blah blah.
I have no reason to believe any of these things. He seriously cares about more than anyone else has in a VERY long time. He’s shown such great support to me. He’s been amazing to me. I seriously love him. I’m not talking about “in love”… I’m talking about that I care so strongly and deeply for him as a friend, person, whatever.
I feel like I need him in my life. Which I know is not true. I would survive perfectly fine if he exited my life. But I do honestly feel like he has bettered my life. Because of him I got out of my shitty ass job & got a better one. I’m possibly getting a promotion at work after barely being there. I’m starting group therapy next week. That is HUGE for me to actually be willing to participate in something like that. And well, I quit smoking over 2 months. I’ve started up a little bit a couple days ago. I’m hoping to overcome it. I don’t want to relapse into smoking. I want this just to be a small little slip.
I miss him. I think I’m going to try calling him tomorrow. I can’t do this anymore I’ve been acting like a fucking lunatic with the shit I’ve been saying. And the things I’ve been thinking are even worse.
I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.
I can’t wait to see him. I can’t wait to see him. I can’t wait to see him.
He cares about me. He cares about me. He cares about me.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
This, too, shall pass.
This, too, shall pass.
This, too, shall pass.
P.S. Probably another note later about tonight & MattTwo.
Original URL —-http://bipolarbimbo.livejournal.com/3317.html