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At some time there will be a person that will come into your life…. They will change you in the most profound way possible. They’ll make you see yourself in ways you’ve never known. They’ll turn your life upside down in the best possible way. But no matter how badly you want them to stay eventually you’ll realize they just can’t. It’ll be really hard. But with time you’ll realize that just because they had to leave…it doesn’t mean that you have to let go of all that they have brought you. Even if someone can’t be a forever part of your life doesn’t mean they can’t forever change your life.

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Sometimes you refer to losing a baby. What happened? Rooting for you!

This past spring I had a miscarriage. The whole pregnancy was a huge shock. It was definitely unplanned. But that didn’t make it any easier. I’ve really struggled a lot with it. And it’s been even harder because besides Twitter and my now ex no one else in my life new about it. Since it had been such a surprise me and my bf kept it to ourselves. We weren’t gonna tell everyone until we had everything figured out. Unfortunately when we finally made it that far I had a miscarriage. And I guess we just both decided it was better just to keep it to ourselves. It was a very hard experience. 

I have a plan.

I’m leaving him a voice mail tonight while he’s still working. I know he never listens to them.

Even if he does it’s going to be very vague. So even if he does listen he won’t know.

But it’ll give me closure. And give him a lil closure too if he ends up wanting to hear it after everything goes down.

I just gotta keep holding my head high for now. And try to keep on keeping on. It’ll get better soon. I’ve decided it will.

So, two nights ago I asked my higher power to let me know if Gabe still care about me. To give me some sign. I wasnt asking for my higher power to make him care, just to let me know whether he still did or not.

Today I got a call from my probation officer. She wants to write a letter to ask for early release from probation. That’s a year and 3 months early!!! That’s amazing. :) I’m so happy

This made me realize that Gabe caring about me or not really doesn’t matter anymore. I still care for him, but I’ve realized all the amazing things that have come into my life since he’s left for treatment. And all of them I got without him.

I have a new job…. A “real” job. I have mental stability. I have sobriety. I have happiness that comes from within myself. I have lost weight & 1 1/2 inches in my waist in 10 days!!!
And I’m so close to getting off probation.

For the first time in a LONG time I can say I’m actually pretty damn happy! While he made me so happy when we spent time together, I was also so miserable a lot of the time too.

I do love Gabe. I hope he will continue with his sobriety and get his life together. I will still think about him every day and pray for him. I hope some day we can be in each other’s lives in a healthy way, but right now I gotta let go of him. And it feels so good that it’s my choice. This is big for me. I normally wouldn’t be able to see both sides of a relationship and never be able to just let it go. Even if it wasn’t good for me.

He gets outta treatment today. I’m not sure what I’ll do if he does call me, but who knows if he will. And he may be going straight to a half way house and be gone for months. I’m not going to worry about him contacting me or not. I do care about him so much but for right now the only way I can do it is from afar.

I hope he knows I still love him and that will support him through his sobriety. I just need to make my number one focus my own happiness.

I miss you so much, Gabe. But I have our amazing memories to hold onto. I love you. I know you can overcome this. And I can’t wait to see the “new” you.

If I posted a blog update would anyone actually read it? Or would I be wasting my time?

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve been on Tumblr. I keep thinking about writing a post to give a more detailed update of what has happened in the past 10 months since I have hardly ever been on Twitter during that time, but I really don’t know if anyone would actually read a Tumblr post. I feel like no one really cares or has an attention span to read a post longer than 140 characters.


So, I guess let me know if you would actually be interested in reading a blog update. I could give a little summary of the craziness that has been my life.


Oh, and I’m super bored so if there’s anything specific that you’ve wanted to ask me here is your chance! I will answer anything you have to ask with 100% honesty! Click it —-> http://bipolarbimbo.tumblr.com/ask

I wish I could change things. I wish I could go back to December and slap some sense into myself. I broke one of my own main rules. I actually fell for someone. I actually really, really liked him. Which grew into loving him. These past 5 months have been extremely amazing and extremely horrible at the exact same time. 

I started drinking again when I started seeing him. Which I can’t totally blame on him… I probably wouldn’t have relapsed regardless and it could have been way worse. I ended up spending a night in jail which could have been a lot worse…. But he also was supportive and has helped me quit drinking & remain sober from alcohol. 

But some times I wonder what life would have been life if I would never of gone on that first date with him. Maybe I wouldn’t be on probation. Maybe I’d still have been sober & not gotten anymore charges. But maybe things could have been worse, I could have spiraled totally out of control.

I can almost 100% guarantee that I wouldn’t be in the situation I am in now. Maybe its what’s meant to be. Maybe this will bring new meaning to my life. I know very few people actually know what’s going on in my life right now, but its scary. I was scared when things were still good with him, but now that I’m alone I’m terrified. 

These past 2 weeks have been insane. But the fact is I made it through them. I guess I can make it another 2 weeks…. Hopefully I will find strength thru this situation. Hopefully I will find support in others that he longer is willing to offer me. 

Love?

For a long time I thought I was immune to love. And I was also such a horrible and manipulative person that I had told guys that I loved them when i knew for a fact I didn’t mean it. 

For example after the things happened with Dan and Mark found out, it was my instinct to tell Mark that I was sooo in love with him, so I did. And it did prolong things with him. Yeah, I know I’m a bitch. But at the time I kinda half believed that I did actually love him. 

Anyways, so it’s not the actual act of telling someone that I love them. I could tell everyone I loved them & be fine. It’s when I actually mean it. Just thinking about it makes me nervous. I am not good at being vulnerable. I mean I don’t expect him to say it back just because I do, I’d rather have him say it when he really feels and when its right for him. So its not like I’m worried about him not saying it back. 

I guess I’m kinda scared of just making a fool of myself. And it just scares me because since its been so long this is like a new feeling. I guess I just need to not rush it. 

I think it was Tues last week when I wanted to tell him I loved him. I chickened out over the phone. But I ended up sending him some kind of text about it and he came over right after. We never actually talked about it again, i think just cause we’re both terrified. 

He’s going to come over tomorrow after I get off of work. And I think i want to tell him. I mean I am not going to put a whole bunch of pressure on myself about HAVING to do it tomorrow. I want to say it when I really feel it. There have already been a couple times that would have been perfect but I was too scared. And I know there will be another chance where things are amazing and it’d be perfect to say it to him. The next time the moment comes up I’m gonna be ready to do it. 

What’s the worst that could happen? There’s nothing. I know he cares deeply for me & would never hurt me. 

Okay, I really gotta sleep. Work in a lil over 4 hours

I think I love him….

Well, this past week & a half Jordan and I have been constantly together. He’s spent every night here with me. Tonight he actually is spending the night at his place. I was really looking forward to having a night just by myself because I am kind of a loner. But I really missed him. When I was cleaning I found one of his sweatshirts and I have totally been wearing it since then. I’m pathetic! 

Its really pathetic. Once I got home from work tonight we talked on the phone for like an hour and then have been texting since. I’m glad that he misses me too :) He went to sleep an hour ago so now I’m all bored :( 

Jordan is truly amazing. I love spending time with him. And its crazy but I never even got annoyed or sick of him ALWAYS being here. And that says a lot! Pretty much everyone annoys me after a certain point and that be way sooner than a week and a half. I just thoroughly enjoy him.

If I believed in soul mates I’d totally say he would be mine. No I’m not saying that I think we’ll be together forever and all that bullshit. I just truly believe if there is such a thing as a soul mate he would have to be mine.  This is something I haven’t experienced since I was with Andy. Who I’d also say would be one of my soul mates… Who says you can just have one? I mean there’s sooo many people! Everyone has gotta have more than one soul mate out there. 

It terrifies me to have real feelings for someone. And it scares me even more because I know he genuinely likes me too. I’ve so carefully avoided this situation for years. I’ve been so anti-relationship since things ended with Andy in 2010. I think part of it was because I just didn’t wanna get hurt again. I was too scared to take that risk again. But for Jordan I am totally willing to take that risk. 

I mean we aren’t technically “in a relationship”. The last time we talked about that was a little bit before Valentines day. It is kinda strange because he also is scared of having a “real” relationship…. So at the time we were both fine without that label and we even talked about how we pretty much were in a relationship we just weren’t going to bother with a silly little label. 

A few days ago when I was at work I was thinking and got kinda upset thinking about that we weren’t technically “together”. But I realized I only thought that because some naive & dumb girl I work with thinks that he doesn’t care about me cause its not “official”. She thinks that you should be in a relationship RIGHT away when you first see someone. She’s dumb, but that’s a whole other thing. ha

Anyways, as I was thinking about everything with Jordan I realized that I don’t need some stupid label. Fuck labels! We’re not cans of soup! These past 3 months that we’ve been seeing each other have been incredible. We’ve been thru some pretty heavy shit. And I know he cares & I hope he knows I care about him too. 

If the label thing ever bugs me again I just have to remind myself of some things of how amazing he is and how much he’s been there for me. And he’s always been accepting of my craziness & issues and has always been more than willing to help me in any way possible. 

And when we’d make love she’d stare in my eyes. I swore we had met a thousand times. Thousands of lives. Thousands of nights. She’s written of it a thousand lines.
The Good Life

July 19th, 2012 3:58 AM 

Okay, for some reason I haven’t been able to eat. for whatever reason I went to the gas station & thought it was a good idea to get some Pure 100% Grapefruit juice to get nutrients. I thought it made sense. I like ruby red SWEETENED grapefruit juice. This shit is disgusting. Such a nasty after taste. Not a very good idea.

Especially since even YUMMY things are seeming that great to me... Something already disgusting will be revolting. ugggh.

I’m Chugging it thoough. 


For some reason I really think it will make it up for not eating… yeah.


Oh and by the way. I have this manic obsession that developed earlier while at work. 


I keep listing to Fun “We are Young” 

Do mo judge… I don’t choose my obsessions.

I’m especially obsessed with the parts……………

Now I know that I’m not
All the You’ve got. 
I guess that I
I just thought we could find new ways to fall apart. 



It coincidentally is at exactly 1:30 into the song. 


I have some ideas of what this obsession means for me, but I am definitely am open to suggestion.


Cause its kind of weird cause I finally decided to be done with Mark.


I wonder if I secretly want to go back to him…….. eventually. 

In some time.

But IDK. 

It could mean so much. 

I am going crazy.


I feel like my brain is on fire. 


And my eyes are so tired. 

But I’m wide awake. 

I only slept 4 hours last time.

I love sleep.

I normally sleep 9 plus hours

Sometimes seriously 14.

I’m going crazy like a nut job. 


I am not really making sense anymore


I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do a very “normal” journal entry.

But I thought this might be a good thing to look back and in the future when I’m more “stable”

See I can think in the future now

AND think well

maybe it is just my state of mind right now? 

Or maybe I’m just awesome? LMAO

But I have acted less impulsive.

the thoughts are still there but I resist some how. 

So are really hard 

but i can still do it. 

I feel pretty gereat.

I wish I had ativan to make me sleep. 

I think I just heard my mom get up. I think I gotta act normal. 


ugggh


I am feeling like I could dose off for awhile. 

that would be good

I gotta be patient. 

it will happen. 

but right now i have too many things to do

that i want to do

i want to do.

I want to make Mark a quilt for his birthday (which is in December)

I want to make it now. All of it. That’s alot of work. 

And I want to do that even though I really kinda hate him right now.

I have no rational. But I want to make him a quilt.

Seriously.


I’d love to do that for him.

But I hate him.

He is so worthless.

He isn’t even CUTE 

He doesn’t always want to cuddle. 

his eye brows are Eeeeeeh

HE is the same height as me.

I deserve someone so much better looking….

And more affecionate.

I love kissing him though. 

I don’t know why. I always hate kissing. 

I normally avoid it.
 Besides just pecks & what not.

I hate it when guys try to shove their tongue down my throat.

uggh keep that to yourself. 

But kissing him is amazing. 

I’m gonna post this. Then Tweet and what-not for awhile. And then prob do another post. 


I want these thoughts for later

I want to be good. 

I want to be amazing

I need to know the stupid ass shit i think/say right now.


I want to make him an expensive and time consuming gift for his birth that is in like 6months. 

And right now I never want to see him agian. 
and in fact would not even answer his calls.

I hope I get the chance to blow him off face to face. YEAH

already,
Aphrodite.





XoxXoXXxxxxxx BIMBO


more later
 
LIveJournal
July 20th, 2012 2:26 AM
 
Sitting there together
Two lushes in a sea of insanity 
My leg touches yours
No resistance found
You turn your head
Your sea green eyes meet mine
The lustful desire I will never forget






I wrote this last year while in treatment. It was about one of my friends from there. He was 35 years old but he was seriously one of the best friends I’ve had. 
LJ

July 20th, 2012   2:41 AM 

I close my eyes wishing I could blink away the pain I have caused myself and even worse the pain I have brought onto others. I can’t even feel remorse most of the time. I never understand why I’ve done what I’ve done… Or how I ended up this way. I just know I’m living on this intense roller coaster of intense Ecstasy and intense self-loathing. Nearly every day I pray to be normal again…. Then I remember, When was I ever normal?


I wrote this Summer 2010 

 

Original URL —- http://bipolarbimbo.livejournal.com/2276.html